Shit My Biology Teacher Says

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Sorry Doctor McCoy - Star Trek fans will know why.

after accidently hitting our class skeleton

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Teacher: The scary thing was I was still on speaking terms with that professor.
Student: What happened?
Teacher: She was diagnosed with cancer.

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I’d tell you what I really think about the public school system, but I’m not allowed to use that kind of language in the classroom.

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He went to Harvard, then saw the errors of his ways and went to Cornell.

Talking about his alma mater

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Pigments are the little white tablets you use to freshen your pig’s breath with.

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I can go onto Google Maps and point out exactly where my syrup comes from. Just like I can go onto Google Maps and point out exactly where my honey comes from.

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The most simplistic organisms would be bacteria cells and the most complex organisms would be bacteria cells.

On what life would be like without photosynthesis

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If you want to go around smelling like Raid, go ahead.

After being slapped from asking the perfume of a woman who caused his allergic reaction.

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Terminate with extreme prejudice. Translation: I’m going to kill you.

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Teacher: The question is what happens to that hydrogen ion (long pause).
Student: What happens?
Teacher: I'm glad you asked that question.